Poem for Brigid

Yep, I know it's a day late. And my chosen piece isn't even a full poem. But it's the line that adorns my altar and the one that keeps me going at times.

~

Though a country be sundered, hills and rivers endure;

And spring comes green again to trees and grasses

Where petals have been shed like tears

And lonely birds have sung their grief.

~

--Tu Fu, from "A Spring View" (c. 750AD), trans. Witter Bynner

-N

Imbolc plannings and early buds

It's a beautiful sunny day today, but still cold enough that the heavy blanket of snow (6-8 inches, although it looks like less here) that fell Friday night and Saturday morning is still fully intact. Apologies for the cellphone pic, but here you can see those gorgeous blue shadows on the snow, as well as the narcissus (just about to explode into bloom) on the left, big feathery yarrow on the right, and the little tiny pot to the far right containing some broadleaf plantain rescued from downtown Durham.

Two more days till Imbolc/Candlemas/Lady Day/Brigid's Day/whatever you like to call it! It's going to be my second witchy birthday so I'm trying to plan something a little bigger than just lighting candles and incense and reading a little poetry, as my rituals mostly are these days. Still don't have a circle or such-like to celebrate with, but I'm already planning a family meal (a custard, braided bread, carrots in calendula-butter (poor man's saffron), and some sort of protein, as I still have to think about nutrition) in honor of Brigid, even if it's only I and the Baird blood in Amam's veins that realise it.

I'm also planning on participating in the 5th Annual Cyberspace Poetry Slam! Heard about it from Joanna Colbert of the Gaian Tarot, who's also got a picture up of her gorgeously decorated Imbolc altar, so I highly recommend you check it out. Basically, the Slam is about all and any bloggers who want to do so putting up a piece of poetry in honor of Brigid, Imbolc, Spring, or the like (can be yours or just a bit you like, as I will do) anytime during February 2nd. If you choose to do this, I suggest you leave a comment on Joanna's post about the subject linking to your post - she wants to do a network sort of thing.

Winter day's dreams

This made it into my other blog first, but I though it deserved to be put here as well. I'm not changing any phrasings or anything, for fear that I lose some of the correct details. Here it goes:

After lunch I was reading and fell asleep. Among other, less vivid things, I dreamed that I met with Boss F and told her what I really thought: that after a year and a half of pulling my hair out, losing sleep and weight (unintentionally, that is) and jeopardizing relationships over the stress from learning how to do my job well, I both knew how to run the place better than anyone, including she and her husband, and was being unfairly passed over for what I deserved. And since all of this was the case, I told her, I wouldn't be seeing her again.

After that, I dreamed that we were on a road trip, delivering furniture or something like that - Papa was driving and the rest of us were in the back of the truck, holding things down from sliding. Then something happened out in the mountains - the trailer came unhitched, perhaps - and we had to stop.

We went into an old abandoned farmhouse - plastered white walls, caked with soil and in need of a good scrub and repaint; wooden floors, lovingly sanded and finished and covered with woven rugs. The sun was setting and we carried candles around the house, exploring the three floors of the layout.

It was built into the side of a hill, with steep stairwells up and down taking up most of the space in the first room we entered. Upstairs, we could see a bathroom with a huge old claw-footed tub, and bedrooms clustered beyond. Downstairs was a cellar on level with the ground on the other side of the house, still stocked with shallow boxes filled with sand to store potatoes and apples, and heavy wooden doors leading out into a small dusty yard bounded by kitchen gardens, with fields and forests beyond. On the main level, as on the other two, the two wings of the house - great room, complete with a fireplace, ready with wood stacked beside it; and kitchen, with a large wood-burning stove, once-bright patterns painted on the walls and dry herbs and garlic still dangling within easy reach - reached forward to the left and right.

It's hard to explain how the footprint of the house was laid out, but try this: hold your arms out, at right angles to each other, and at 45 degrees to the center line of your body, as though you are turning your back to a cold wind and protecting someone in front of you. This "crooked" design kept the house protected the house from cold northern winds and created a small, sheltered microclimate at the back of the house, toward the south.

I know this is a long tangential post for what is still supposed to be just a food and exercise log, but it's very important that I write these details down and not forget them. This is what I need to do, and this is where I need to go. It's where I will be.

I'm trying as hard as I can to cement these pictures and ideas in my head, not to lose them as I do with so many (sleeping and waking) dreams. Oh Mama, help me out with this.

-N

Musings...

What do you want to do with your life?

That's the real question, isn't it? The big one that everyone struggles with, silently or aloud. Some of us answer it. You can see it in their smile, the glint in their eyes, the way they move their hands when describing what they do and who they are. They've beaten the System - that terrifying, shapeless entity whose entire purpose is to hold down the common man and force him into one of 6 billion pigeonholes.

The rest of us can either endlessly envy them, imagining ourselves stuck where we are by the nonexistent virtues of a heartless system where work is done for the purpose of being finished...

...or we can join them.

What do you want from life?

This question seems just as big and just as unanswerable, but it's a little easier to come up with general concepts, as we all really want the same thing. Health. Happiness. Safety. Security.

Love.

The problem, then, becomes how to obtain and nurture these qualities in our own lives. Very, very few people ever completely succeed. There's always something to trade or give up, or else the need to play along with the System just enough to avoid being noticed as an anomaly and stamped out.

But most of us never even get close to having to worry about that.

In my dreams, both sleeping and waking, I am happy. I know what lies beneath the walls of my home because I built them up from nothing but raw materials and waiting space. I sink my hands into cold, barren earth and call on my Mother to help me pull forth from it lush, green, healing-filled life. I take this life and give it freely to all those around me who are in desperate need of it, and take in return only what they ask to give me out of gratitude and love. Every morning, I wake in the arms of my best-beloved, who has chosen me as their One as I have chosen them. I am not threatened by any Man, Beast or System - not because they never threaten me, but because I have the confidence, knowledge and power to turn away all threats to me and mine. I am secure in my body and mind; in my home and land and my ability to keep them; in the love shared between me and my dear ones; in the dreams my Mother gives me and in the life that flows through me from everything and back into everything.

And now the third question arises. Which reality is the true one? To misquote a bit of ancient wisdom, am I a sad girl occasionally dreaming that she is happy, or a happy girl dreaming that she is sad?

The answer depends on me.

-N

And here we go again... (LONG!)

So here it is, my "New Year's" post, albeit 10 days after the actual event. I'm not sure if I want to ponder what that says about how well I'm doing on leaving my bad habits in last year. But then again, I'm actually writing one now, instead of just doing nothing and pretending to ignore the matter, as is my wont with the uncomfortable truths in my life.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how I always seem to have the very best of plans and intentions - I excel at daydreaming and list-making like none other! - but only a very small amount of those plans, if any, actually come to fruition. The last time I was notably, measurably successful at any kind of venture was back in high school, when I had (quite literally) no friends and the only way to escape the black caverns of my own mind was to pour myself completely into my schoolwork. I've since changed immensely as a person - I have friends, I smile, I talk, I'm not afraid of my own thoughts any more - but I still don't feel that I have the ability to balance success in work, school and other pursuits with being happy.

That is not to say that I'm not still trying, however. And I feel like right now (oh gods, let's hope it lasts) I'm really trying harder than I have for a long time to make everything work together. T came down to visit for about a week at the beginning of Jan, and he's so driven and focused on what he wants that I can't help but be a little swept along by it. The problem, however, is how to take that feeling and translate it to something I can carry on by myself - how to make this really a habit, not just an effect he has on me.

Then again, he might be using me in the same way that I'm using him - as an inspiration to work harder towards a future that we are now thinking of as something that will be ours. He's called me his muse before, and on this most recent visit, he told me that I'm his Reason.

I can deal with that.

*glows*

But anyways, let's get back to the matter at hand. As a guide for my resolutions, I've once again chosen that doyenne of all things inspirational and paganish, Dianne Sylvan. Her latest post (as of this writing) gives a pretty clear way of organizing the year's goals in a way that should make more sense to me than a static list of all things I want accomplished by next Jan. Here goes:

1. Dump 2009.
For me, this lies mainly in training myself out of all the bad habits and into new ones. The biggest change I need to make in this area is in seeking outside help - I'm asking my parents to ask me for weekly updates on school, among other things. Honestly, this is rather distasteful to me - I'm 24, I should be able to do things like this on my own! - but recent evidence has shown that I'm still not ready to rely entirely on myself for motivation. I need outside support while I'm working, praise when I succeed and shame when I fail in order to motivate me to better face the next challenge. The hardest part in shifting my mindset from last year to this one is the actual asking for help.

2. Come up with a theme word or phrase for what you want to manifest in 2010.
This was probably the easiest part in knowing what I want to do, but the hardest in figuring out how to describe it. This year, I want to make the shift to relying on myself - for fiscal matters, for motivation to action of all kinds. I suppose the best way I can think now to say it is that I want to grow up. I'm not terribly satisfied with that, though, so it may change.

3. Break it down into a few manageable goals.
This is easier. I want to be self-sufficient, self-motivating and successful in the areas of money, health, school and my personal life and pursuits. Breakdown continues below.

4. Taking those themes and intentions, create a prayer or set of affirmations for 2010.
Sorry, internet, but this one isn't getting shared. It's between me and my Mama.

5. Think of your plans for the year as a set of nested circles. Start by listing daily habits you want to stick with for the new year, no matter how small or silly-seeming.
List time!

• Save all tip money to be counted and a use decided for it at the end of the month
• Take vitamins! Omega 3-6-9 (3/day), ginko (4/day) and Vitamin C (1000 mg) at least
• Drink 8 c of water, preferably with ACV
  
• Take almonds to work
• Have at least one good helping of veggies, preferably fresh, in every meal
• 10 minutes on inbox every day
• 30 minutes (preferably more; whatever can be spared) at altar: writing in BOS, adding to or organizing grimoire, cleaning, decorating, ritual, intentional meditation or just sitting and thinking
• 30 min (at least) exercising every day: anything from a brisk walk in street clothes to a full hour of Crossfit and a run afterward. Commute time does not count
• Consume some herbal concoction every day: anything from a tb of dandelion to replace some coffee to a full infusion
• Have the kitchen tidy before I go to bed
  

It's a lot, but each one isn't really that hard to do; the hardest ones will be the time-related ones, if this year's work schedule is anything like last year's. But I think I can hack it.

6. The second circle would be a weekly plan

• Spend at least an hour (if that much is needed) reading in depth and responding to all emails and other messages
• Drink an infusion in the morning instead of coffee 3 days a week
• 3 hours per week of herbwork: study and research or writing and compiling knowledge
• 3 hours per week of knitting! That's actually sitting down with yarn and needles, not just browsing patterns
• 2 hours per week organising documents and papers from work
• Physically visit or meet up with or have a long (30+ minutes) phone conversation with at least 2 friends per week, not counting T, as that's a given
• Make yoghurt once a week
• Bake something once a week, preferably whole-grain bread (i.e. rarely cookies and the like)
• Finish all school assignments assigned and due in the following week on the Saturday before
• Do laundry once a week
• Clean out my car once a week
• Plan meals and go food shopping once a week
  
• Write at least one blog post per week
• When weather permits, do at least 4 hours of garden work per week
  

7. The third circle could be monthly

• Write and follow a monthly budget, covering gas, food/necessities, bills/loan payments and vanities/entertainment and putting a certain amount by to save for T's visits, with every extra penny going into savings
  
• Do a ritual for all the esbats and new moons, even if it's just 15 minutes of lighting candles and reading poetry
• Do a full, top-to-bottom cleaning of my spaces (bedroom, bathroom, car) every month, including sweeping or vacuuming, dusting & polishing and washing bedspreads and curtains
• For every sabbat, redecorate my altar and make a family meal to tie into the event
• Bring accumulated tip money to work and change it to large bills; depending on how well I've stuck to my budget for the month, either deposit all into savings or deposit half and spend the rest
• Twice a month, take time for a visit of considerable length to a library, museum, planetarium or something of that nature
  

8. The fourth, then, would be your yearlong goals and intentions which you could try to synch up with the seasons if you were so moved: Winter for planning, Spring for beginning, Summer for action, Autumn for completion and release, and so on.
Winter

• Make a storyboard of how I wish the year would go, using photographs out of magazines
• Set up my etsy account to start selling: shop design and descriptions and at least 10 possible items to sell
• Decide on a provider and buy car insurance
• Track my spending, particularly on gas and food, and figure out how much I would need to entirely provide for food on my own
• Run 5 miles
  

Spring

• Start completing projects and putting them in the etsy shop - have 20 in the shop by summer
  
• Obtain one of those college fridges and start eating only the food that I buy as much as possible (with the exception of intentionally communal family dinners)
• Run 10 miles

Summer

• Begin aggressive marketing for the shop: flyers or online ads, selling through local stores
• Begin actively looking for an apartment in town to move into at the beginning of the school year (and possibly a roommate as well)
  
• Run a half-marathon

Fall

• Move into an apartment
• Keep up with the shop
• Run 15 miles
  

General Year-long Goals

• Develop and stick to a budget that accounts for all necessities and some small splurges, but where the main focus is on savings
• Develop and stick to an eating plan that is healthily balanced while being as cheap as possible
• Develop and stick to an exercise plan that moves progressively forward and strives for new goals with each one met
• Write at least 50 in-depth entries in my personal herb book
• Write or compile rituals for every sabbat, esbat and new moon in my grimoire
• Get all As in school
  
• Keep at least one houseplant growing all year

Phew! Thanks for reading all of that, those who did. Now for the hard part. Right now, I'm off to make some tea.

-N

Time for a nice hot cup of...

As the days continue to get shorter and colder and darker, it's always nice to have a nice steaming mug of something to curl up with. My profession being what it is (namely, a person who makes fancy hot drinks with ridiculous names), I figured I'd take some time to share some of my personal favorites with the internet.

London Fog

A customer who hailed from sunny California, where they don't actually need hot drinks but apparently have them anyways, brought this one to my attention. Her recipe depended on the vanilla-flavored sugar syrup that most coffeeshops have on hand these days, and if you can find one nearby, by all means ask them to make this for you. This is my at-home version.

• Brew 6-8 oz (depending on the size of your cup: I put in enough water to leave a good inch of space at the top) of strong Earl Grey tea. How strong it is can vary according to your taste, but remember that it will be sweetened, so you may be able to go stronger than you might otherwise. I use two tea bags, or two tablespoons if I'm using loose tea.
• When the tea is brewed, discard the tea bags and add vanilla sugar (sugar in which vanilla beans are buried and kept until the sugar takes on a lovely vanilla scent) or plain sugar (preferably raw) and just a drop or two of vanilla extract to taste.
• I like to finish off with a drizzle of warm milk or cream (warm so it doesn't cool the tea down too much. I just nuke it for a minute or so. Yes, I know, I'm a bad hippie) - this is not essential for the classic drink, but this is what makes it "foggy" for me :)

Cider-in-a-Pinch

I really love cider. No, I REALLY love it. So much so that, whenever I make an effort to keep it on hand, it seems to disappear at a rate of about five gallons per day. Ok, not really. But it goes pretty fast.
When I'm really craving hot spiced cider and don't have any available and don't feel like making an expedition out to get some, this is what I do.

• Put some water on to boil - as much as necessary for however many people will be drinking the brew. I've been known to drink a quart in one sitting.
• Get a non-metal container (I use a quart-size Pyrex glass measuring cup. A large glass or ceramic bowl, such as the innards of a crock pot, would also work just fine) that is big enough to hold all the water you're boiling with some room to spare.
• Into this container, put at least 1 tablespoon each of apple cider vinegar and honey for every cup of water, or more to taste - I usually add a little more when I'm pouring the water in, until it takes on a nice golden color.
• Throw in some random spices you have lying around - a stick or two of cinnamon, a few pinches of cloves, a grating of nutmeg; basically, whatever you have on have that would go well in cider. Experiment!
• When the water is boiling or is nearing that point (it doesn't have to be all the way there, just hot enough to melt the honey and mix everything together), pour it into the container and stir until well-combined. Pour into pre-heated mugs and sip carefully. Feel free to adjust the amounts and ratio of honey/ACV to your own taste.

Nelly's Super-Awesome Magic Cocoa

Yes, it's going to sound rather weird. Don't judge. Just make it. And believe.

• Start slowly heating 1 c milk (organic, whole) for every cup that you anticipate will be drunk. I never have leftovers.
• As the milk starts to steam just a little, add in between 2 teaspoons and 1 tablespoon of unsweetened cocoa powder (the highest quality you can get) per cup of milk by spoonfuls, mixing each in by rolling the handle of a whisk between your palms.
• Once all the cocoa is mixed in thoroughly and the milk is steaming a little more, add your favorite honey (I use raw wildflower honey from a local source) in the same amounts as the cocoa or perhaps a little more, also by spoonfuls, drizzling each in and then mixing using the same whisk technique. It helps if you have two people here.
• When the honey is mixed in, add the following: 1/2 to 1 whole cinnamon stick, broken into pieces, for every 2 cups of milk; 3 or 4 cloves for every cup of milk; 2 to 4 teaspoons of dried dandelion root per cup of milk; a sprinkle or grating of nutmeg for every cup of milk; a few drops of vanilla extract per cup of milk. Once that much is fulfilled, I like to add a little more of each spice, "for the pot." With everything mixed in, cover the pot, turn down the heat and let it all simmer together for 5 to 10 minutes, checking every minute or so to whisk.
• Pour into warmed cups through a strainer, adding all spices caught in the strainer back to the pot. I like to put a little scoop of vanilla ice cream in the bottom of the mug first. Before serving, add just a tiny dash each of salt and chili powder.
• Sip slowly. Revel.

Happy sipping!

-N

SPIRIT 2-fer: Caring and Compassion

My previous post got me thinking about the subject of the next grace on the list, as well as one several steps down, and how they fit together. As I mentioned before, there may be such a thing as caring too much - when one's thoughts and worries about others begin to overshadow the concerns of oneself to a point where it becomes damaging. This is the opposite extreme to being entirely self-absorbed, and just as harmful to oneself and, I believe, the world at large.

Compassion is often grouped together with caring as being indistinguishable, but I propose a considerable difference in my personal definitions of the words. Where caring is the thought alone, maybe with the word to go along with it, compassion is thought, word and deed in one - and therein lies a world of difference. Caring alone, as good as my intentions are and as much as it springs from my love for my friends, leads to nail-biting and hair-tearing and more sleepless nights than I care to admit. I can speak of my concerns to other friends, but even after pouring my heart out, I always seem to come away with it even fuller and heavier than before. Compassion, on the other hand, with its inclusion of action, gives me a real outlet rather than just temporary relief.

To put my definition of these terms and two previous ones more succinctly, caring is to compassion as awareness is to activism. The girl who is merely aware and caring reads an article about war or a worrying letter from a friend and cries. The girl who is active and compassionate puts the paper or letter down, gets up, and goes to a peace rally or speaks to the friend. I want to be the second girl.